Do you find social situations overwhelming? Perhaps you worry excessively about what other people think of you, feel uncomfortable meeting new people, or find yourself avoiding situations because of the anxiety they cause.
Social anxiety can affect people in many different ways. For some, it may make parties or other social occasions difficult. For others, it can affect work, relationships, public speaking or even everyday activities such as shopping or making a telephone call.
The important thing to understand is that social anxiety does not have to dictate what you do. There are practical ways to understand it better, manage the feelings it creates and gradually become more comfortable in situations you currently find difficult.
“People are not disturbed by things, but by the view they take of them.“
Epictetus, Greek Stoic Philosopher
Understanding social anxiety
Social anxiety goes beyond simply being shy or occasionally nervous. It involves a fear of being judged, embarrassed or humiliated in front of other people.
That fear can become self-reinforcing. You anticipate a social situation, worry about what might happen, become increasingly anxious and perhaps avoid the situation altogether. Avoidance may bring immediate relief, but it can also reinforce the idea that the situation really was something to fear.
Breaking that cycle can take time, but there are a number of approaches I encourage people to consider.
1. Identify your triggers
Start by noticing the situations in which your anxiety becomes strongest.
It might be meeting unfamiliar people, speaking in a group, eating in public, attending a social event or having to make conversation with someone you don’t know.
Understanding your own triggers can make anxiety feel less mysterious and gives you something specific to work with.
2. Challenge unhelpful thoughts
Social anxiety is often accompanied by predictions about what other people will think.
You might find yourself thinking, “I’ll make a fool of myself”, “Everyone will notice I’m nervous” or “They won’t find me interesting”.
Try questioning those assumptions. What evidence do you actually have that the feared outcome will happen? Are you judging yourself more harshly than another person would?
Learning to recognise and challenge these patterns of thinking is an important part of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or CBT.
3. Start with manageable social situations
Avoidance tends to strengthen anxiety, while gradually confronting situations you find difficult can help reduce their power over you.
That doesn’t mean throwing yourself immediately into the situation you fear most.
Start with something manageable. Once you become more comfortable with that, move on to something a little more challenging. Gradual exposure gives you an opportunity to discover that you can cope with situations that previously seemed overwhelming.
4. Build a support network
You don’t have to deal with social anxiety entirely by yourself.
Talking to a trusted friend or family member can help, particularly if they understand what you are trying to achieve rather than simply encouraging you to avoid difficult situations.
Professional help may also be useful if anxiety is significantly affecting your everyday life.
5. Practise self-compassion
People experiencing social anxiety can be extremely self-critical.
If a conversation feels awkward or a social occasion doesn’t go as you hoped, try not to turn it into evidence that you have somehow failed.
Changing established patterns takes time. Notice the progress you make, including the apparently small things, rather than concentrating only on occasions when you still feel anxious.
6. Use relaxation and mindfulness techniques
Anxiety isn’t experienced only through thoughts. It can produce very physical reactions, including a racing heart, sweating, trembling or feeling short of breath.
Relaxation, controlled breathing and mindfulness techniques can help you become more comfortable with these sensations and reduce the feeling that you have to escape from them.
Mindfulness can be particularly useful in helping you bring your attention back to what is actually happening, rather than becoming absorbed in predictions about what might go wrong.
7. Set realistic goals
Rather than setting yourself the enormous goal of “becoming confident”, choose something specific and achievable.
That might be starting a conversation with a colleague, accepting an invitation you would normally decline or contributing once during a meeting.
Small successes matter. They provide evidence that you can do things anxiety has previously discouraged you from doing.
8. Prepare for situations you find particularly difficult
Different situations create different kinds of social anxiety.
If public speaking is difficult, preparation and relaxation techniques may help you feel more in control. If social events make you anxious, it may help to think beforehand about a few subjects you feel comfortable discussing.
Preparation isn’t about scripting every interaction. It’s about reducing some of the uncertainty that can feed anxiety.
9. Consider CBT for social anxiety
CBT can be particularly useful for social anxiety because it looks at the relationship between thoughts, feelings and behaviour.
In my work, I use CBT techniques to help people recognise patterns of thinking that may be contributing to their anxiety and develop practical ways of responding differently.
The aim isn’t to persuade yourself that nothing uncomfortable will ever happen. It’s to develop a more balanced way of thinking about social situations and greater confidence in your ability to handle them.
10. Consider hypnotherapy
Hypnotherapy provides another way of working with some of the thoughts, feelings and responses associated with social anxiety.
When I work with someone experiencing anxiety, hypnotherapy can form part of a broader therapeutic approach. I may combine it with CBT, mindfulness and other techniques according to the individual and the difficulties they are experiencing.
My aim is not simply to help someone feel relaxed during a session. It is to help them develop different responses to situations that have previously triggered anxiety and to feel more able to approach those situations in everyday life.
Getting help with social anxiety
Social anxiety can restrict your life considerably, particularly when avoiding uncomfortable situations gradually becomes the easiest option.
But it is something you can work on.
Understanding your triggers, questioning unhelpful assumptions and gradually approaching rather than avoiding difficult situations can all be valuable steps. For some people, working with a therapist can provide additional support and practical techniques for making those changes.
I work with people experiencing social anxiety as part of my wider work with anxiety and panic, using hypnotherapy, CBT, mindfulness and related approaches according to the individual.
If social anxiety is affecting your life and you would like to explore whether I can help, you can read more about my approach to treating anxiety and panic or get in touch with me to discuss what you are experiencing.